No, You Cannot Eat My Baby


So having just had a baby, all the wonderful comments people made about Baby G after he was born are still pretty fresh in my head. Most of my friends, a lot of them being young moms, were wonderful and gracious and knew exactly what I needed to hear. Not all people are that tactful. While we usually respond to people’s comments with nice sweet responses like, “Yes, he’s growing fast” and “Thanks, we think he’s cute too” we usually want to say something else. So here is to the well meaning old lady at the grocery store, or the sweet couple at church, or anyone else that asks these questions because here are the answers we wish we could say:

No, you cannot hold him.
He’s my baby, he’s brand new and I want to hold him and I don’t want you to hold him. Nothing personal (well maybe) but I don’t want anyone holding my baby. MY BABY! I will let you know when you can hold him. How will you know? I will say, “Would you like to hold him?”

No, he’s not sleeping through the night.
Of course he’s not sleeping through the night! He shouldn’t be sleeping through the night yet and it will be a long while until he does, and I’m ok with that. I’ll sleep when he’s a toddler…haha, yeah right! I’ll sleep when he’s a teenager…wait, no. I’ll sleep when…when I’m dead, but for now I will snuggle and nurse my baby in the wee hours of the night.

No, you cannot “just pinch those little cheeks”
Umm, ouch! Would you like it if someone came up to you and pinched your cheeks? Come on! Don’t you remember that creepy great-aunt from your childhood that always pinched your cheeks and said something about how much you have grown? Do not be that creepy great aunt!

No, he is not “so tiny”.
He’s perfect. He fits in my arms perfectly. He fits into Daddy’s arms perfectly. He fits into newborn baby clothes and the doctor says he’s just fine. Please feed my mother insecurities that I am feeding not him enough, or often enough, because I don’t have enough to worry about.

No he is not “so big”.
I find it funny that one minute someone tells me my baby is tiny and the next someone is commenting about how chunky he is. But seriously, he’s not “so big”. At most he weighed ten pounds which not big. I have books heavier than my newborn! My 80-pound golden retriever is “so big”. Thanks, now I’m worried I’m over-feeding him!

No, you cannot “just kiss his little face”
Dude! I don’t know where those lips have been! I don’t know if you have been sick or if people around you have been sick. Keep those lips away from my baby! I’ll do the baby kissing and you and your lips can do the “ooo-ing and aww-ing” from a distance.

No, you cannot “just eat him up”.
Honestly, I have never understood this term and it kind of freaks me out. Yes, let me go up to new mom and tell her I want to eat her baby. Who thinks this is a good idea?! The answer is no, just no. Are you telling me he’s cute? Because if you are, you can just say he’s cute and I would understand.

Honestly, I loved showing off each of my babies to everyone when they were newborns. With a newborn comes the funny comments and questions, but at the end of the day we know these comments and questions come because they are gushing over our sweet babies. Gush away, sweet old lady in the grocery store, we took it as a compliment even if we gave you a sarcastic response.

No! No you cannot eat my baby!

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